Get prepared for ‘Super’ sip of incomprehensible drivel

January 31, 2015 - Picnic Time

Notes from a many tortured, get-me-outta-here! week of a year, a week before a Super Bowl:

Given a usually discontinued state of a NFL, Sunday’s pregame silver toss will be conducted with a wooden nickel.

My prediction? Glad we asked. I’m going with reader Forrest McVey. He has been TV-trained, drilled-in a believe that stats don’t lie, that stats make games, games don’t make stats, and sunglasses means sunshine.

I’m with McVey, a tyro of TV’s tutelage: If Seattle can stop a Patriots’ Matthew Slater, it will win big. Consider that Slater has a game’s many considerable descent statistics: The 29-year-old, seven-year special teamer out of UCLA averages 6.0 yards per carry, 46.0 yards per locate — over his 103-game NFL career!

That he has one career lift and one career locate shouldn’t matter. That’s his average, and stats don’t lie.

Neither does “Let’s Be Honest” Mike Francesa. New York’s many additional special chairman — maybe a many spectacular, daily delivered, takes-himself-seriously megalomaniac in a annals of media — never disappoints come a Super Bowl.

His Thursday uncover was a thrill-packed adventure, surfaced by his shrill insistence to a tourist that he didn’t — never, ever — contend that some 10-day agreement Knicks he watched a night before (from The Garden’s best seats, though of course) assistance kick a Thunder, are “keepers.”

“You’re putting difference in my mouth!” he fumed. “I never used a word, ‘keepers.’ we don’t even use a word!…I’ll gamble we any volume of income that we never used a word, ‘keepers!’”

But social/anti-social media now disallows Francesa and his WFAN confederates from as simply and conveniently losing smoking guns. As per a circulated fasten Francesa, nearby a open to his show, of what he after described as “D-League” players, said, “they’re keepers” for a stream Knicks.

Sitting Bull, whose supremacy formidable would leave Donald Trump blushing, also had a gigantic gall to slice Bill Belichick and a Patriots for those gone-missing “Spygate” tapes.

Yet a tapes of Francesa’s rabidly anti-Jewish spews after a 9/11 attacks fast went blank — and sojourn “lost.”

Mike FrancesaPhoto: AP

And he twice cursed commissioner Roger Goodell as “a bully” — before enacting his customary brag bit to discharge dissenting callers, ensuring a final word.

As for that Francesacon event, from that he bathed in a afterglow, he doesn’t seem to comprehend that he was, to some vast degree, conned.

Though he claims that it was a “remarkable” entertainment that left him flattered, many who attended were there to ridicule him. Audio/video from a eventuality done that obvious. The Emperor’s Same Old New Clothes.

There was some good news final week for “Let’s Be Honest.” Al Alburquerque — usually Francesa and presumably Alburquerque’s mom know him as Alberto — re-signed with a Tigers.

Next! If a horde operative Radio Row from a Super Bowl final week wished to talk an on-site NFL manager or actor of note, stream or former, who didn’t arrive strings-attached to some blurb sell, there were slim pickins or static.

Among a many radio-active was Rex Ryan, who mislaid 130 pounds following what he described as life-saving lap-band stomach surgery. Ryan done a rounds to peddle a cheese, dough, sausage, pepperoni and meatball delights of a fast-food pizza chain.

Reminds us of when Chris Berman pitched both weight detriment products and three-cheese entrees during a grill chain.

But this was a NFL deteriorate when firmness was knocked cold, afterwards dragged from an conveyor around a dilemma from a casino.

The NFL Players Association, like a NFL, could use a good bath, afterwards a makeover following a deteriorate in that it usually released phony, in-house frank regrets boilerplate quotes as “spoken” by dangling or arrested players. Keepin’ it real.

If NFLPA Executive Director DeMaurice Smith thinks a open is that stupid, wait until he is asked in a courtroom or deposition — underneath promise — if they’re all legit quotes or if they were fabricated.

If NBC sticks to a regular-season and wild-card formula, we’re going to remove live shots Sunday of a field, players, coaches, formations, substitutions and whatever else competence be going on in a Super Bowl to so-what, full-length photos of players, their arms folded in front of them.

Why? Because many shot-callers in a live sports TV business consider they’re high conform designers. They would put fish in a pockets of herringbone jackets.

NBC, like a rest of a NFL’s networks, is vast on ridiculous, misleading, irrelevant, undiscerning stats. And Al Michaels, who by now should know better, rather than let them pass, dutifully reads them aloud — for emphasis.

Beware arriving red-zone stats! They’re pushed as significant, estimable of a full courtesy and chin-stroking consideration.

But they’re sum nonsense! If fourth-and-6 from a 18 and first-and-goal from a 2 are both red-zone security — and they are — how can they be tossed into a same pot afterwards served as a image of enlightened, useful conclusions? And don’t diversion and time resources count, too?

Nope. It’s a Idiots’ Picnic. Any stat, any time; equal value is practical to all red-zone possessions! That it’s a Super Bowl creates a absurd even some-more significant!

Reader Bill Liederman asks what happened to all those oxygen-deprived footballs from a Colts-Patriots game. Not sure, Bill, though we would start with Steiner Collectibles.

Reader John Buonagura writes that a Kraft cream cheese he bought final week “felt a few ounces light.” And what’s with all a holes in a Swiss, Jack?

Hey, where are all those yahoo New Jersey politicians, selling consultants and assorted Garden State eager-to-be-quoted rah-rahs who banged their gongs to have Jersey horde final year’s Super Bowl? As a NFL’s “reward” for building PSL Stadium, taxpayers were serve had by a NFL.

According to a Star-Ledger, final year’s Supe cost New Jersey $28 million — and counting. On a other hand, a not-for-profit NFL profited, and plenty.

Besides, N.J. taxpayers already compensate copiousness for financially removal football — Rutgers’ team.

Steve Marcinak, Lexington, Ky.: “One notation ESPN is stating a friendly attribute between [Patriots owner] Bob Kraft and Roger Goodell. Moments later, ESPN front a blurb with [NBA star] Steph Curry dining in a ESPN cafeteria.”

Anyway, a Chevy Silverado Doritos GoDaddy Key To Tonight is Matthew Slater. All he has to do is play his career normal diversion — 6 yards per carry, 46 per locate — and a Patriots coast. If a Seahawks stop him — reason him to underneath his career normal — it’s Seattle!

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