Gnarly Trombone: Thoughts for we to keep in mind when streamer for a mountains, brought to we by Earl a Elk
July 23, 2016 - Picnic Time
Well, we all got together and motionless it was time for one of us to pronounce up.
After all, it’s a plateau we are invading, pushing bumper-to-bumper, only to get a demeanour during us, while we’re perplexing to mind a possess business.
My name is Earl. I’m an elk.
No, no, no, not a kind of bar we humans join, like a Elks or a Moose or a Chickens or other tellurian clubs that name themselves after animals.
I’m Earl a REAL elk, and we live adult in Rocky Mountain National Park, where we humans have been entertainment like swarms of bees for a past integrate months, with a lot of we from bizarre places like “Texas” or “Alabama.”
We elk don’t know where those places are, though we can see their humans are strange.
Anyway, since of a overflow of tourists entrance adult here, we Animals Of The Park shaped a coalition, and have set down some manners for we humans to follow if you’re flocking into a country.
1. Don’t feed us. Oh, we’ll eat whatever we offer, though many of it — like day-old French fries — aren’t good for us. They aren’t good for you, either, though we unequivocally don’t care.
2. Don’t get too close. Especially too tighten to a babies. We will kill you, of course. And afterwards a rangers will kill us. Not a good thing.
3. Lock your automobile if you’re going on a hike. You see, many of a bears have figured out how to get inside your car, and afterwards they’ll eat anything they find … like automobile seats, your glove box and cruise baskets. (Not indispensably a FOOD in a basket. The basket itself.)
4. If a bear is inside your car, don’t go over and open a doorway to get him out. That’s since Park Rangers make a large bucks.
5. Don’t try to pet an elk, like me. You see, we have these antlers on a heads, and they substantially harm if we hang them into you.
6. Don’t start a fire. Go though a campfire. Those dual idiots from Alabama? Remember them? They’re going to jail for being dumb.
7. If we behaved like an Alabama Idiot and started a glow anyway, PUT OUT YOUR FIRE. NOW. Use H2O and mud and anything else that will put it out. Put your palm on a mud and H2O to make certain they aren’t prohibited anymore.
8. If we see one of a elk or moose or deer or bear babies erratic around like they’re lost, don’t put a baby in a behind of your automobile and expostulate around, looking for a parents. We don’t need your help. We know this sounds flattering stupid, though some people did it progressing this summer.
9. Don’t try to get adult tighten to us and take a “selfie” with your camera phone. Your design will substantially go around a world, since it will uncover we smiling there, with an elk antler adhering in your ear. Or a bear, eating your head.
10. And final of all, don’t come adult here in a pleasing plateau with us smashing furious animals, and start personification “Pokemon Go.” We already found Pokemon.
Tasted like chicken.
— The name Gnarly Trombone was taken from an 1871 Cincinnati journal that misread Horace Greeley’s handwritten name of a Greeley Tribune. Mike Peters is a late Tribune staff writer. He might be emailed during firstname.lastname@example.org.
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