Phil Gulley: Life is No Picnic

May 11, 2017 - Picnic Time

Few things are as good in genuine life as they are in theory.

May 10, 2017Comments

My mom and I went to her doctor’s bureau recently, and while she was being seen, we looked around for something to read. There were dual choices, a poster about leavening infections and a repository called True Romance. I’d been slipping in a intrigue department—not shred on my day off, belching after dinner, scratching my belly—so we went with a latter. It had an essay about a integrate who went on a picnic, fell in love, and were married. The author apparently had a high opinion of picnics, desiring they were a spectacle elixir for indolent relationships.

It done me consider of each cruise I’ve ever been on and how all of them were miserable from start to finish—sitting on tough ground, swatting flies, dodging hornets, celebration a lukewarm Big K cola, and eating a cut of bologna on Wonder Bread, that we don’t even like, yet seems to magically seem each time we sup outside. There was no discuss of hornets or bologna in a story, customarily an undeviating widen of romance, culminating in a matrimony during a barn.

Picnics are customarily one thing improved in speculation than genuine life. Walking barefoot in a weed is another. we once saw a film about a integrate whose matrimony was encircling a empty until they walked barefoot opposite a field. From afterwards on, all was hunky-dory. But anyone who goes barefoot eventually stairs on a rusty spike and gets tetanus. Or slices their feet on a splinter of potion and bleeds out amidst a daisies. Or stairs in something left by a cow. we possess a plantation and frequently step in things left by cows, so we can trust me on this. It’s a minefield out there.

Along a same lines, zero cheers me adult some-more than a suspicion of a new car, and zero depresses me some-more than indeed shopping one. I’ve never driven off a automobile lot yet despising a automobile that, 24 hours before, we believed was pivotal to my happiness. we now expostulate a 1999 Toyota Corolla abandoned of each comfort, and it’s my favorite automobile ever given it customarily took 5 mins to negotiate and secure a purchase. we was walking past a neighbor’s residence and saw him station in his expostulate staring during a Corolla and looking dejected. we asked him what was wrong and he pronounced he’d customarily bought a automobile for his daughter, and she didn’t wish it.

“Now I’m out $3,000,” he said.

I walked around it, kicked a tires, and offering him $3,000 for it.

We shook hands, we wrote him a check, he sealed over a title, and a notation after we gathering it home to uncover my wife.

My 1999 Corolla has given me zero yet pleasure, and we expostulate it everywhere we go, even yet we have a 2014 Ford Flex that does all yet dance a rumba. But it took 3 days to buy, and when we finally got a keys, we wanted to expostulate it true into a automobile crusher.

Automobiles aren’t a customarily form of travel that overpromise. Whenever we see a design of happy people bicycling in a Netherlands, we get a titillate to float into city to revisit a library. we always forget a Netherlands are mostly flat, that is since a cyclists are happy. But it’s ascending from my residence to a city square, and by a time we strech a library, I’m wrung out. Plus, drivers don’t always pierce over to make room for me, and I’ve been run off into a ravines that line a road. One day I’m going to finish adult passed during a bottom of one, and a neighbor will find my remains some open while acid for mushrooms.

Mushrooms are another thing improved in speculation than practice. People around here are crazy about them. Ray Whitaker is always a initial to find them, and he takes a sackful to Betty Bartley during a newspaper, who runs a imitation of Ray holding them aloft, a bandit displaying his plunder. People speak of small else for days, even yet we think it’s a anticipating they relish, not a outcome, given mushrooms are slippery and uninspired and should not be consumed. That’s since God done many of them poisonous, so we wouldn’t eat them and die. If we were going to die from eating something, it would be something tastier than a mushroom.

As prolonged as we’re on a theme of disillusionment, I’d be lingering not to discuss doctors. we don’t revisit them often, yet when we do, we customarily leave unhappy by a experience. we go awaiting a alloy to learn what’s wrong with me and to have giveaway samples of a medicine that will heal me immediately. we positively don’t wish to be told I’ll feel bad for another week and there’s zero they can do, or that antibiotics don’t work with viruses, or that there’s no heal for what we have. A nation that has put a dozen group on a moon ought to be means to repair whatever’s wrong with me.

Let’s not forget a things that are improved in imitation than in practice. When we was in 8th grade, my story teacher, Mr. Ellis, told me a Constitution was perfect. “Never in a story of a universe has a finer request been created to beam a affairs of man,” he said. Mr. Ellis had a knack for a declarative judgment that done all of his utterances seem Gospel-true. Pastor Taylor, who led one of a churches we attended as a kid, pronounced a same thing about a Bible. we spent my girl careening from one comprehensive to a other, yet have given resolved both papers have their flaws.

Nothing opposite immature people, yet a Constitution says a smallest age for a boss should be 35. Have we ever met a 35-year-old we would trust with that job? No one should be boss until they’ve lifted teenagers yet murdering them. Malia and Sasha Obama were 10 and 7 when their father became president, and he got off to a rough start—failing to tighten Guantánamo, vouchsafing a curved bankers who tight a economy off scot-free, removing a Portuguese Water Dog instead of a rodent terrier. But by a time his kids were teenagers, he had a pursuit down pat.

As for a Bible, I’m not going to contend anything bad about it given we don’t wish to get a sackful of hatred mail from certain folks in my town. (People in Danville do all by a sackful.) I’ll customarily contend that never in a story of a universe has a finer request been created to beam a affairs of man. How’s that for safe?

I spend a lot of time meditative about a things that defect me, that says a lot about my opinion on life. The approach we see it, life is mostly a margin of cow patties and nothing of us are wearing shoes.

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