Why Your Children’s Television Program Sucks: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
January 11, 2016 - Picnic Time
It’s time once again for our ongoing series surveying the awful shows you’re forced to continue before we can finally flog a kids out of a TV room to watch sports for 8 hours.
Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
The Theme Song
It’s a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse!
It’s fun inside!
(NOTE: Disney Junior hired They Might Be Giants to do a strain for this show, that sounds hip and cold until we remember that They Might Be Giants were one of a many annoyingly changed bands of a 1990s.)
Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is a shoddily charcterised half-hour of rubbish programming constructed in bulk somewhere in a sweatshop modifying brook off a seashore of Malaysia. It has all your favorite Disney characters, and serves as a sign that we never favourite these characters all that many to start with.
Anyway, a crux is that Mickey Mouse has a hall he wants we to come play in (hence a song). BUT … to make a hall appear, we gotta contend a sorcery words:
When we run an drug speakeasy one day, this will be my mocking password.
Okay, so we contend a sorcery words, and afterwards a hall magically appears. Like Disney World itself, it’s definitely swarming and underwhelming. After that, Mickey and a squad customarily confront some problem that they need YOU, a 3-year-old, to assistance solve. Degree of problem for any charge varies wildly. Potential predicaments include:
* Lost birthday-party favors
* Being trapped on Mars
* Pete stole a balloons!
* Rescuing Santa
* Finding a duck
Some of these tasks are definitely difficult, though are in fact solved definitely simply since of TOODLES, a verbatim charcterised Disney trademark (for a while, it didn’t even have a face, until animators slapped one on, that is NOT an improvement) that can be summoned from a large appliance called a Mousekadoer. Is there a strain EVERY TIME a Mousekadoer boots up? You know there is. Anyway, we can get Toodles’s assistance 4 times per partial by cheering out, “OH TOOOOOOOODLES!” This is what we hear in my night terrors now: A demented goofy is stabbing me with a beef knife, and we roar out, “OH TOOOOOOOODLES!” And Toodles never comes.
Once Toodles pops adult out of nowhere, we have your choice of 4 opposite objects (or “Mousekatools”) to assistance we solve a problem. One of them is a Mystery Mousekatool, that stays dark from steer until a elementary routine of rejecting army we to name a enchanting clothespin dark behind a doubt mark.
And this is where Mickey Mouse Clubhouse fails. we swear to you, they name a comprehensive dumbest shit for Mousekatools, and their methodology creates positively no clarity to anyone with a simple believe of agreement labor. Let’s contend we gotta stand a fence, and all Toodles has for we is a boiled ham, a tennis ball, and a flashlight. Those are all useless, right? WRONG. No, that’s when Mickey is like, “What if we step ON a ham to get over a fence?” And this is presented as a scold solution. That’s how foolish this uncover is. we swear to God, one time they done we pull a symbol to serve a sight sound, and a scold symbol was a fucking HOT DOG. You know why? Because, as Mickey explained, we “chew” a prohibited dog, so if we “chew chew,” you’ll get CHOO CHOO. This uncover has all a deductive abilities of a Politico commenter. It’s horrifying.
I haven’t even gotten to a misfortune partial yet, that is that when we name a “right” Mousekatool (GUYS, WHAT IF WE USED THAT HANDGUN TO MIX UP THE BROWNIE BATTER, THAT MAKES SENSE), Toodles lights up, and afterwards we gotta contend …
We got ears!
They contend this a billion times per episode. It will harm your mind. The normal MMC book has 3 new lines in it. The rest is template. It’s awful.
Anyway, once you’ve used a kite to blow open a bank safe and solve a problem, a uncover is over, and we contingency do a Hot Dog Dance. Ohhhhh, They Might Be Giants. Oh, we will hurt you. No word on if a Hot Dog Dance summons a goddamn train.
Mickey Mouse. Everyone loves Mickey Mouse, right? Well, that’s since Mickey Mouse is a cipher. He has no personality, no interests, no perceptive traits of any kind. He’s got large ears, and that’s about it. He’s a articulate logo. If he were a live person, he’d be one of a actors in The Maze Runner. Mickey Mouse blows. All he does on this uncover is cheerlead we into tacking mouse onto other words.
Minnie Mouse. Ditto. What do we REALLY know about Minnie Mouse, other than a fact that she’s a girl? What’s her favorite food? Does she like to ski? What are her dreams? Minnie Mouse creates Ms. Pac-Man demeanour like Eleanor goddamn Roosevelt.
(By a way, when we was a kid, we had Mickey and Minnie toys, and we used to make them do it. we wasn’t a many fast child.)
Donald Duck. An indignant steep with a lisp. You know who’s a improved indignant steep with a lisp? DAFFY. It’s not even close. Watch this uncover and we will come to a discerning fulfilment that this is, hands down, a lamest organisation of animation characters in complicated history. The Looney Tunes squad destroys a Disney stable. Every delegate Tex Avery impression pwns a shit out of them. Even Deputy Dawg is cooler. we have no use for these people.
Daisy Duck. Again, definitely forgettable. we consider she wears shoes.
Goofy. Goofy has prolonged been a source of comic service in Disney cartoons, that is a problem, since he’s not humorous during all. Remember when all a kids in Stand by Me couldn’t figure out what kind of animal Goofy was? I’ll tell we what kind of animal he is: He’s an strange member of a Blue Collar Comedy Tour. “WELL GAWRSH!” Fuck off, redneck.
Pete: Pete—a kind of immorality Goofy—is a knave of this show, though you’d hardly know it, since he turns good 5 mins into each episode. One second he’s hidden pies, a subsequent second he’s handing them right behind to Mickey and vagrant to be invited to some asshole picnic. This isn’t a Pete we remember from my childhood, when he was a Ghost of Christmas Future in Mickey’s Christmas Carol, and he chomped on a cigar and shoved Scrooge McDuck down into a verbatim abandon of Hell. That Pete was a fucking badass. YOU’RE THE RICHEST MAN IN THE CEMETERY, EBENEZER! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Gimme a kiddie uncover about Pete putting his cigar out on other animation characters’ faces, and I’m in.
Clarabelle. A articulate cow with a voice that will make we scratch your boobs off. God, it’s like visiting kin each time we gotta hear Clarabelle talk.
“Mickey’s Monster Musical,” a special extended Halloween journey featuring “Count Mickula” articulate in a bad Romanian accent. For this episode, Toodles is also rechristened BOO-DLES. Get it? Huh? You know we like it.
No ads! This is a breathtakingly reticent and empty show, though during slightest there aren’t any ads. If we gotta fast-forward by 6 ads after 10 minutes, that’s no good. we need a child to glance during a TV for 20 undeviating mins while we dick around on my phone or eat chips or do other critical grownup shit. Fast-forwarding on a DVR is simply too many parenting for me. we can’t do it. This is since we approach a 3-year-old to this awful uncover instead of Paw Patrol.
HOT DOG HOT DOG HOT DIGGITY DOG NOW WE GOT EARS IT’S TIME FOR CHEERS.
Lead painting by Jim Cooke.
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